One Year On

This time one year ago Ellie’s body was growing cold in her bed. It was only three weeks after our first anniversary of going on a date together and only two weeks after she had told me she was plural. The only other person she had told outside of some online spaces that she alluded to was her therapist. It was also just a few weeks after a local annual lesbian event that I had brought her to for the first time. At the opening ceremony I had mentioned going for the first time in 2022 with my friend Hellen, who had then died suddenly in 2024. I did not expect to be repeating the same thing again this year, bringing Caoimhe³ along with me and talking about Ellie. If anything happens to Caoimhe I am never going again.

I had a lovely time with Ellie the evening before she died. I had been texting her during the day about trashy manga scanlations that I was reading and other silly things. In the evening after work I attended a local queer event discussing the then-recent anti-trans rulings by the UK supreme court and then called to Ellie’s flat to see her for a bit. It was a really love time. We talked a little bit about her plurality and some serious things but it was mostly just an hour or two chilling and cuddling on her sofa. We watched an episode of Wolf’s Rain, an anime she was showing me that was important to her as as teenager. She was really excited for Blue to show up as a character in the next episode.

I headed home just before ten. I would have liked to spend the night but I have sleep apnea and wouldn’t have had my CPAP machine and we both had work in the morning. The last message she sent me was at half ten. The next day she wasn’t responding to messages and I got increasingly worried the more the day went on. We were meant to see Rūrangi in the cinema together and I called to her flat after work before the movie to knock on her door but there was no answer. When I tried to call her I could hear her phone inside. I really, really hoped that she had just accidentally left her phone at home and hadn’t gotten back from work yet, but by the time the movie was over I was utterly sick with worry. A few friends went with me back to her flat and we called the Gardaí to do a wellness check. Eventually they got the key from the building manager and found her inside. There was a lot of waiting around. They needed someone to identify her and I asked to. A body that has been dead for a day is not a pretty sight but I wanted to be able to see her that last time.

Ellie had a lot of trouble sleeping and had prescription sleeping pills and sometimes also took the type of cough syrup that makes you drowsy for the same effect. The pathologist who examined her reckoned that she took something to help her sleep and then passed out face down, suffocating while the drugs stopped her from waking up. Hellen had a sudden stroke while bedridden after breaking a leg. Both took at least a day to be found. I don’t like sleeping by myself or living alone any more.

Thankfully I am planning on moving in with Caoimhe very soon. She has been wonderful for helping me get through this last year and I very much look forward to living with her and her boys. There will be some effort and friction bringing my stuff to Sandy Lane and figuring out the shape of our lives together, but I have already been enjoying planning through all the little things with her as we prepare for the move. We have been looking after each other and we have both sorely needed it.

I’m going for dinner tonight with her and some other friends who where there with me when Ellie was found. We are going to keep going.