Clitoral vs. Vaginal Orgasms for Trans Women

This post discusses the mechanics of sexual pleasure for transgender women in frank detail.

A while ago Devon Price’s article The Quietly Coercive Nature of “Vanilla” Sex prompted a lot of self reflection about what I actually enjoy during sex and a few discussions with my partner about what what worked for each of us. I realised I never really enjoyed receiving oral sex very much, though I was more than willing to give it. This, happily, suited us both just fine. She also reminded me to finally get around to reading Fucking Trans Women.

One thing that became clear is how both of us, being trans women with penises, were using what worked for ourselves as a guide for the other. This was a mistake. Elilla’s recent post, An infodump on vaginal sex, by a lesbian, has gotten me thinking about this again. Like many others she make the distinction between people for whom clitoral stimulation works better and those for whom vaginal stimulation is preferable, or in her own terms: Clitoris-oriented bottom and penetration-oriented bottom. This is a familiar concept in writings about sex but I don’t think I’ve ever seen this sort of distinction applied to penises (not that I am a particular well-read in this regard). But it became clear to me, going over the differences in what worked for me and my partner, that I was somewhat of a clitoral (glans) orgasm girl and she was much more of a vaginal (scrotum, base and shaft) orgasm girl.

I had a small, battery powered handheld vibrator and while it could be fun for me to use it very much required me to already be aroused and erect to have much of any effect and the pleasure I got from it could be very fickle and flighty. I was surprised when it worked so much better for my partner and the ways in which it worked for her. I at first put it down to a difference in sensitivity but she enjoyed types of stimulation and areas of stimulation that really did nothing for me. The vibrations applied to the base of her penis and the area around her scrotum were immediately great for her in way that, to me, just felt like getting my skin vibrated. When I’m erect applying a vibrator to various parts of my knob can be pleasurable but it is the head that is feeling that. If I’m applying the toy to the base and it feels good that’s just because the vibrations are carrying their way up. Not so for my partner, apparently. I do seem to need stimulation of the glans—which in a penis is the equivalent tissue to the exposed part of the clitoris—for sexual stimulation in a way that was simply not the case for her. My limited experimentation with muffing and anal stimulation have also not proven to be particularly pleasurable, though I don’t yet have enough data to fully write those off.

An aside about vibrators: I have since gotten a corded Doxy vibrator and compared to the small battery powered one it is a hydrogen bomb vs. coughing baby situation. Like fuck I did not realise there was that much of a difference. It is not only much more intense but it can actually be effective at stimulating me even when I’m not already erect, which is very useful. My partner actually found it a bit much for her. I originally got the Doxy as a sort of shared Valentine’s Day gift to give to her that we could enjoy together when at her place but she told me to keep it and she took my battery-powered one home instead. Elilla stating that in her experience that other brands work better on penises has me intrigued.

I don’t have much in the way of data to come to any grand conclusions but I would advise anyone, even if you are already used to open communication with your partners about sex, to reconsider your assumptions about what you should be doing during sex, what is going to feel good for you and what is going to feel good for your partner. Their needs may not map directly from yours and you may not have fully examined what actually works for you, either. There may be things that you are going along with because they are seen as the default or things that everyone is meant to enjoy. Is there anything you are going through the motions of because you think it’s meant to feel good for you when it doesn’t? Is there anything your partner is focusing on because they have a false impression of what works for you or even because you have a false impression of what works for you?

And perhaps oral sex could also work better for me if these lessons about what actually gets me off were applied. I would be willing to experiment with that more but first I need to start getting laid again.