Kat

I have been writing about Ellie since her passing but there is another person who died who I have failed to mention. Only week or two before she died Ellie told me that she was plural. She was understandably extremely worried about this. Worried that admitting to this would ruin her life, that I might judge her and leave her. She had, as I understand, never told anyone in person this, barely told anyone online. She thought that I would think she was crazy. I just told her that I don’t care if she was “crazy” or not. Many people would have considered the both of us crazy by definition for being transgender. It’s a vague and all-encompassing word for people that one doesn’t understand and hates.

Her headmate was named Kat and I feel a great loss that I never got to know her, but Ellie did tell me a bit about her. She did not really front ever. Her and Ellie did not consider themselves plural for a long time and just through of Kat as a negative voice in her head (they did not get on for a very long time) and Kat kind of hated having a body and physical sensation and was very repulsed by sex. I asked Ellie at one point if it is not very annoying for Kat when myself and Ellie were so physically affectionate and she just laughed and said “Yes” in a flippant and mischievous way, clearly teasing Kat as much as joking with me.

They were not the first plural system I knew but this is the first time I became aware that someone close to me was one and I don’t really know that much. I found asking Ellie about it fascinating. I was a bit self-concious that I was being invasive or treating them like some weird oddity but Ellie said she was happy to talk about it. Apparently alcohol and weed seemed to affect Kat less and even made her a bit more comfortable with the physicality of their body, dulling the sensations a bit I suppose—putting a barrier between her and it. Ellie told me that a few times when she got too blackout drunk to function Kat was able to front and safely navigate them home on the bus. So thank you, Kat, for keeping Ellie safe.

Kat was more brash, more impulsive, more of a bitch (a word she took some pride in as I understand it). They had different tastes but the only thing I know for sure is that when we were watching Outlaw Star Ellie did not really understand my love for Aisha Clan-Clan (her favourite character in it was “Hot Ice” Hilda and wished the show had been about her instead) but Kat was fully on the Aisha train with me.

Kat never spoke directly to me in person but passed on a few replies and opinions that Ellie relayed. Even that she found strange and awkward and difficult to get used to, but she made a Discord account and sent me a few messages the day before they died. This is the ony direct conversation I ever had with her.

hello!

this is weird

like i’m only doing this cause i don’t want you to associate stuff i say with ellie

i’m a bitch and she doesn’t alwasy say what’s on her mind

so i will

fuck this is so weird

lmao fair

gragjhfkdshgtoledsg;.s

yeah I assume this is very weird for you in ways I cannot begin to understand so no worries if it’s difficult

i know you probably think this is weird and stupid or maybe that i don’t exist and ellie is just fucking with you or crazy

but it’s not. i am here

so yea

fuck

i want to die now

goodbye /end of communication

for now

cool, talk to you when you are more up for it

you should set Aisha Clan-Clan as your avatar >:)

fuck off. i was just looking for a image of her

hahaha

fuck yes

she’s really cool. you have some taste

I really wish I could have gotten to know her better than that before they died. They both deserved so much more time.